Respecting Conversation

Presence is a form of respect. And in a distracted world, it’s one of the most underrated drivers of good work.

The norm of half-listening

Many years ago, I dreaded my weekly one-on-ones with my manager. I’d show up ready with ideas and questions, only to spend most of the meeting talking to the top of his head while he scrolled through his phone.

It never got confrontational. Just increasingly discouraging. That time was supposed to help me grow, but instead, it taught me something else: presence isn’t about being in the room; it’s about where your attention is. And when it’s not with the person in front of you, they can tell. We all can.

Working remotely has only made this worse. We’re not sitting across a desk anymore. We’re talking through a screen, with a dozen other tabs and apps fighting for our attention. Now, instead of people scrolling their phones, their eyes dart around their screens during video calls—reading emails, replying to Slack, scrolling the web—while occasionally nodding along.

Let’s be honest: when your eyes wander and your replies lag, you’re not fooling anyone.

After almost ten years of working remotely, I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened. I’ll be right in the middle of explaining something important, and then I see it: the glazed look, the slight pause. And sure enough: “Sorry, could you repeat that?”

By that point, context is lost, time’s wasted, trust takes a hit. Those moments don’t just pass; they wear on the relationship. I still think about my old manager, and now I’m writing about it.

Enough experiences like that got me wondering how often people are actually listening. As funny as it sounds, I began sneaking random nonsense into conversations to see if anyone would catch it. Most of the time, they didn’t.

When attention slips, relationships suffer

When someone isn’t fully present, they may not mean any harm, but the message it sends is still clear: something else matters more right now.

Sometimes there’s a valid reason. Urgent things come up. But if you’ve committed time and there’s no real emergency, divided attention becomes disrespectful. It erodes trust. It makes people feel less important, less seen, and less likely to speak up next time.

These cues are easy to miss, but they’re deeply felt—lagging responses, glancing away, a delayed “Yeah, totally.” Erica Dhawan calls this “digital body language”: how we make others feel in online interactions through responsiveness, tone, and attention. And just like in person, those signals carry weight.

Sherry Turkle echoes this in Reclaiming Conversation:

“When we divide our attention, we not only diminish our presence but also lose the continuity of narrative that is essential for empathy and relationship building.”

Gallup’s State of the American Workplace shows a direct link between attentive managers and employee engagement. When people feel heard, they stay longer, care more, and contribute more.

And it’s not just about relationships. It’s about results. Some of the best ideas I’ve been part of didn’t come from formal brainstorms. They came from focused conversations where both people were truly present. That kind of attention sharpens thinking, speeds up decisions, and sparks better ideas. You don’t get that when everyone’s half-distracted.

Presence takes practice

I’ll admit, I’ve been on both sides of this. But over time, I’ve come to learn that presence is more of a skill than it is a virtue. And like any skill, it gets better with practice. Here are a few small practices that help me stay focused:

• Pre-conversation reset. Before important meetings, I close extra tabs, silence notifications, and take a moment to clear my head. It only takes 30 seconds, but it makes a difference.
• Out of sight, out of mind. During calls, I keep Slack and email out of view. If I can’t see it, I’m less likely to glance at it. This includes auto-hiding my Mac dock or enabling DND if there’s a block of meetings.
• Signal you’re listening. I try to look at the camera, nod, and offer small verbal responses. It helps me stay engaged, and helps the other person feel heard.
• Buffer time when you can. I try to leave space between calls to reset. Even 10 seconds to pause and breathe helps. If I can, I jot down quick notes from the last meeting to clear mental space for the next.
• Be honest when you can’t be present. If something urgent pulls me away, I don’t fake it. A quick heads-up or reschedule is more respectful than pretending to listen.

What really changed things for me was realizing this: presence is a choice. I can’t control whether someone else is fully engaged, but I can control how I show up. And when I do, my thinking sharpens, my conversations improve, and the work feels more satisfying, regardless of whether the other person matches my energy.

Presence is deep work

Genuine presence isn’t easy. It takes effort. Especially in a world built to distract us. But it’s one of the most valuable professional skills I’ve developed, and one of the most human ways to show respect.

Cal Newport, in Deep Work, writes:

“To produce at your peak level you need to work for extended periods with full concentration on a single task free from distraction… the ability to perform deep work is becoming increasingly rare at exactly the same time it is becoming increasingly valuable in our economy.”

While he’s talking about productivity, the same is true for how we show up for others. Full attention is becoming rare. And that’s exactly why it matters. Presence isn’t passive; it’s a discipline. But it’s worth it.

So here’s a simple experiment: for one week, be fully present in every meeting. No Slack. No multitasking. Just attention. You might be surprised by what changes.

Presence isn’t just polite. It’s how we build trust, create clarity, and make things meaningful.

References

1. Dhawan, E. (2021). Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance. St. Martin’s Press.
2. Turkle, S. (2015). Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. Penguin Press.
3. Gallup, Inc. (2017). State of the American Workplace. Gallup Press.
4. Newport, C. (2016). Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World. Grand Central Publishing.